I often wonder why some parenting techniques work better than others. I want to know what I should be doing to create the moments that will instill in my kids an instinctive awareness that I am there for them, that they can trust me and so they will want to listen to me.
Here are the parenting techniques that work:
- Be Present
- Clear away distractions
- Put devices away
- Be in the moment
- Be Connected
- Hug them
- Hold their hands
- Listen
- Be Content
- Accept your kids and each moment with them
- Be Responsive
- Be there for the little things, so they will come to you for the big ones
- Be The Example
- Set the standard you want them to grow into
Big ideas and parenting philosophy have a lot to do with what shapes a child’s inner-drive to listen.
When big idea techniques serve as the foundation to a parenting style they help keep the parent focused on the long-game, creating physically and mentally healthy children who grow into caring, responsible, and productive members of your family and society.
Along the way, these are the kids who are more likely to trust the voice of their parents as a loving guide who should be respected.
The Big Picture
I frequently read about parenting strategies that are designed to deal with a particular behavior or situation.
I think they miss the mark because they don’t seem to bring the big picture into the conversation. I am a big-picture thinker, and deeply believe that when I focus on the big ideas that drive behavior, relationships, and emotions (and really most situations in life) that I have a better handle on what is going on and how to create a better outcome.
I also know that having a firm grasp on the big picture will guide me through the little things day to day that I should be doing to achieve my goals.
Parents who use these strategies don’t worry too much about normal age/stage driven behaviors and are more focused on nurturing the child, building a relationship with them, and responding to their needs.
By focusing on the big ideas, they are able to set the terms of the relationship in a caring way and communicate to the child that they are valued and loved.
In turn, the child is more likely to trust them, confide in them, and listen to them.
Be Present
It is easy for us to get caught up in the details of life and the issues of the day. It is something we all do and have to work toward improving upon. Being present is not a destination, it’s a journey.
It’s trying to live in the moment and not worry about all the noise out there distracting you from what is most important.
Those older people are right. Your kids are going to be all grown-up one day and you will have all the time you want to worry about bills or what’s on the news.
Now is the time to set all of that aside so that you can build a relationship with your kids that will give you a strong foundation and create a sense of deeper meaning for you and your family.
Being present is the most important item on this list because you can’t do any of the others without it.
It Grows Your Bond
Being present is not always easy, and for a parent, it can be counter-intuitive at times. When we are present, we are also allowing those around us to be present – even the kids!
Sometimes that will mean letting them play in the dirt or make some other kind of a mess, but it’s OK because that’s usually what they are supposed to be doing.
Importantly, settling down and just letting everyone be themselves is key to growing strong bonds within the family.
It Assures Them That You Will Be There
When you are present you are showing your kids that you will be responsive to their needs, which builds their trust in you. Even something as simple as answering their questions can help.
Kids ask many questions, and it can seem that they do so at inopportune times – like in the middle of another conversation at dinner or while driving in traffic in the rain.
It can be useful to try to look at that as an opportunity. Each time they do is actually a chance to build a small block of your relationship with them. The question they are asking may be trivial, but its purpose is not.
Each time they ask for your help they are asking you if you will be there for them when they need you. Your response will help to shape what they think of your reliability in the long run.
The parent who helps build the Lego’s, read the book, or clean up is more likely to be the parent who will be asked for help when they get older and have real challenges.
Think about it; don’t you want your teenager coming to you for advice and not asking the neighborhood kids? That relationship starts with the small stuff while they are little.
It Shows Them That Everything Isn’t Perfect
Family life is not all beauty all the time. We have to strive to create the warmest and most loving home possible, we all will fall short of that at times.
We all know deep down that it is simply it’s not realistic to do every second of every day. Accept that, move on, and try your best again.
Although my reactions are not always perfect, my kids know they are safe with me and I will be there for them when they need me. I know I am doing my best because I am not preoccupied with other things.
When I may yell or overreact, I try to apologize when appropriate and talk to them about what I could have done better. I am modeling reflection so they learn how to reflect on their actions too.
This goes a long way in them seeing my flaws, admitting when I’m wrong and letting them know it will be ok.
Your Connection Depends On It
Creating a nurturing connection with your kids is actually one of the five parenting strategies on the list so I will talk about that part more below.
Here I just want to point out that you can’t establish and develop that connection if you are not present with your kids. Physical presence is not nearly enough.
We can all be in the same room together and all be on a device that separates us. Forcing yourself to put away toys, phones, and any other distractions is a must!
Be Connected
Once you are present with your child building a connection with them is the priority. Over time, your connection with them should become instinctual. The earlier this can happen in the relationship the better.
Physical Connection
Establishing a physical connection is an important part of the bonding process with the child. It looks a little different depending on the stage of the development of the child, but one thing remains the same.
You are communicating to them that you will be there for them and will support them. Do the physical things now that will help reinforce this understanding like holding their hands and hugging them every day.
The simple things make a huge difference.
Don’t hit them! We all want our kids to be disciplined and can get frustrated when it seems like they are not.
These are the moments where we must remember the big picture and our vision for what kind of home we want to create.
One of the quickest ways to undermine your connection with them is to break it through physical harm or other disciplinary measures that make the terms of your love seem conditional.
Don’t do things that hurt them or push them away.
Think of the word discipline for a moment. It comes from the Latin disciplina, which means to instruct. This same root word is also where our word for disciple comes from.
Now consider this. When you are giving your child a consequence (don’t use the word punishment, it sets your brain up for failure) think about the outcome you are trying to generate by using it.
You want your child to listen because you know what is best for them. You want them to listen because you know they are more likely to be successful if they take your advice. You want them to follow you because you care for them.
You are trying to create a disciple.
If you want to create a disciple, then think about what actions are most likely to produce that result.
We all want our kids to be followers of what we are teaching, but hitting them or dishing out punitive punishments will only generate short-term compliance based on fear. It won’t grow their love or respect for you.
As they get older that short-term compliance will morph into some form of defiance because humans don’t want to follow those who hurt them – not even their parents. Then there will be a risk that they attempt to push away and disconnect further.
Resist the urge to force compliance, it will produce more push back later. It’s just not worth it.
They will need you, even more, when they are older and have real problems and should be able to trust that you won’t hurt them. They won’t come to you if they think doing so puts them in danger.
Emotional Connection
Avoid punitive punishments and actions that communicate conditional love. The things we say and do to our kids often have psychological consequences that we do not always understand.
Luckily, we can learn from the experiences of others so we don’t go down a road that we will regret later. Take the time to be their guide and go through life’s challenges with them so you can help them avoid the pitfalls that you see.
Be Content
Your ability to be content with your kids subconsciously communicates a lot to them about whether you will be there for them as well.
Parents who enjoy each stage of their child’s development are sending them a message at each step along the way that their needs are important and the relationship matters.
Contentedness is about accepting each moment for what it is and experiencing what comes from it. Children learn much more from non-verbal communication than they do from language.
Their attachment to you is driven largely by the contentedness they feel from you because it assures them that you embrace who they are. Contentedness is what people really mean when they say happiness.
Happiness is an emotion, contentment is a state of being and when you show that you are content you are communicating to them that they are what matters. Just be there with them in a content state.
Sit outside and watch birds, drive in the car with no music or just lay on the couch together hugging them. I find this especially important in connecting with my kids while creating an accepting and peaceful environment.
Be Responsive
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to impose their will on their kids. You will not create a disciple if you do that. Instead, if you show that you will be there for them, you are giving them the security to be themselves.
In the long run, this is much more likely to develop the child into someone who trusts you and wants to listen to you. You could try:
- Listening to them (even when they are whiny)
- Helping them (even if it seems simple)
- Guiding them (even when they should know better)
- Being present for them (No Distractions!)
- Teaching them (even when they should be pushing themselves)
These may sound like simple techniques, but they make a huge impact in the mind of the child. When you do these things you communicate to them that you will be there for them when they need you and that they can rely on you.
If you get them to believe that and know it to be true deep inside, they will see you as their guide and will be more likely to follow you when you need them to.
Then you can push them along the next step of whatever road they are on.
One of the best ways to create a child who wants to follow your model is to show them that you can be relied upon by helping them when they think they need it. Their perception really does matter.
Be Their Example
Kids learn way more from what they see and what they experience than from what they hear, which is what makes this technique so important.
You can say whatever you want to your kids, but if they don’t see you living by the same code they will know it’s not really that important to you.
For example, don’t tell your kid to practice piano lessons if you aren’t willing to practice something as well. They can learn a lot by watching you work to improve something in your life.
Maybe it’s budgeting or going to the gym. Whatever you decide it is, use it as a motivator to be a better example for your child.
Here are some ways to be the example that you want to be:
- Manage your stress
- Don’t react emotionally
- Explain the ‘why’
- Admit when you are wrong
- Admit when you fell short
- Model Your Good Habits
Manage Your Stress
The stress that adults allow to show through a situation serves as a model for how the child believes they should react when they are challenged.
In today’s constantly moving world, that can easily translate into a daily negative experience of chaos for the kids. They feel our tension.
From starting off the day negatively by yelling and rushing to get out the door to complaining about dinner not being ready or homework not being done, there are better ways to make sure we get done what needs to get done.
Make sure you have healthy ways to blow off steam built into your daily routine.
Don’t React Emotionally
One of the most important roles we serve is teaching our children how to act in challenging situations.
Although the emotions we feel in a situation are completely natural, we have to watch how we react because that reaction could become our child’s template for what to do in a similar situation.
Show your kids that you are calm and collected in stressful situations and they will learn how to react the same way, even when they are feeling emotions that are challenging to deal with.
For instance, being frustrated is ok and natural, but how we handle this frustration is what’s truly important to show our kids.
Learn to say things that minimize the significance of the situation, chances are it’s not that big a deal anyway.
Explain The Why
Some parents seem to believe that explaining yourself conveys weakness, but it turns out the opposite is true.
When you explain something to your children, you are helping them understand why things are the way they are.
If your goal is for your kids to follow your guidance, then you certainly want their views on their favorite question “why?” to be aligned with your reasoning.
This way, as they develop they will be working off of the foundation that you gave them.
They all ask the same question for a reason. They have an evolutionary need to understand the world around them, and you are the guide who helps them develop that understanding.
Admit When You Are Wrong
This is not the easiest one on the list to implement. Not every decision you make or action you take will be the right one. Those around you will see it.
You should show your family members how to be wrong with grace and class. Your admission will go a long way in dignifying your example as the leader of your family.
It is also a huge opportunity to teach your children how to correct a mistake and move on. It’s ok to have pride, but being too proud to apologize or admit a mistake is not a healthy trait you want your kids to pick up.
Admit When You Fell Short
There will be times when you fall short of the items on this list. That’s OK. Admit it to yourself, admit it to your spouse, admit it to your kids.
Recognizing a shortcoming is the first step in overcoming it. Doing so will be an example to your loved ones that it is OK to fail, as long as you get back up and keep trying.
Related Questions
How Do You Discipline A Child Without Hitting Them?
Physical punishment will undermine your long term efforts to build a healthy relationship with your child.
It’s also just not effective in the long run. It will produce more defiance than compliance. Some other techniques you should try include:
- Allow natural consequences to occur (as long as there is no real danger)
- Provide consequences that fit the behavior
- Ignore the little stuff (it is probably attention-seeking behavior)
- Restrict privileges
- Praise the good
How Do You Discipline A Child Who Won’t Listen?
When disciplining a child it is important to remember that their behavior is likely an attempt to express something that they don’t yet know how to express properly, so don’t always assume the worst.
Instead, think of the things that you can do to re-frame the conversation so they will be more likely to see things your way:
- Give them authentic opportunities to practice the desired behavior. Repetition is the mother of understanding
- Reward them when they demonstrate the behaviors you want to see
- Make sure your timing is likely to produce the desired outcome
- Accept that they are communicating through behavior. See that as an opportunity to help them and you can use it to your advantage