The family meal has always been a special time for families. It’s known to give families a sense of belonging and togetherness.
It just goes to show that many families know they don’t need to a big event to have a family gathering.
What is a Family Gathering? A family gathering is an event or activity that happens regularly and brings families together for bonding. A family gathering can be minor (like a share nightly dinner) or major (like reunions). Family gatherings are essential for healthy family development and relationship building.
A family gathering as small as the family meal may not seem that important, but research suggests the bonds formed during these gatherings are essential for a child’s development.
Studies show family gatherings positively impact the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of all family members, especially the youngest ones (source).
Before going into the details, it is essential to understand how researchers define family gatherings.
They usually divide gatherings into two categories: routines and rituals. One is an ordinary action, while the other is special, but both are important.
In nearly every case, regular contact with family members through routines and rituals has a positive effect on child development, and that’s why they are so meaningful.
In fact, family gatherings can even protect children when going through stressful situations (source).
Family Routines as Family Gatherings
Routines are necessary, assigned tasks to family members. Really, they are just things that need to happen.
Establishing positive routines is one way to engage in healthy family gatherings.
These simple, repetitive actions are often positive, but if parents aren’t careful, they can also harm the family.
Routines, such as getting the mail or getting ready in the morning, can create a rhythm of life, a sense of normalcy, and a place in the family, while negative routines involving abuse or marital dysfunction can cause chaos and stress.
Sophia’s mother, Lauren, packs a lunchbox meal for her daughter every night so that it will be ready in the morning.
This activity is something that must be done, and nothing much is said or thought about it. That makes packing her daughter’s lunchbox a routine.
If Sophia did not have a lunch to take with her, however, she would have nothing to eat while at school.
That means even a simple routine like this has a significant impact, and it shows Sophia that her mother cares about her welfare.
If instead of packing a lunch each day, Lauren told Sophia she eats too much and doesn’t need to eat lunch, that would be a negative routine.
Lauren may not think about what she is saying, or she may think she is helping Sophia, but constant criticism and punishment is unhealthy and does not bring the family closer.
Family Rituals as Family Gatherings
If routines are essential, what are family rituals, and why are they important too?
Like routines, rituals are repeated activities, but they hold a special place in the heart of a family.
Family gatherings that are considered rituals can include celebrations, traditions, or even daily activities between two or more members if the activities are considered special in some way (source).
One family’s celebration of holidays, for example, will be very different from another’s.
That difference is what makes each ritual unique. The ritual tells family members who they are, both as a family and as a part of the family.
Sophia’s family always celebrates Thanksgiving together in a very special way.
All the members of her family are there, from cousins to her great-grandmother.
Every year, they gather around the fireplace and sing the family’s favorite songs from generations ago.
Then it’s time for each member of the family to say something they are thankful for, beginning with the oldest family member and ending with the youngest.
After that, Jorge carries on the family tradition of carving the turkey, while Lauren brings out the family’s secret-recipe stuffing.
Even though there are no presents, Thanksgiving is Sophia’s favorite holiday because she gets to see all the relatives and play with her cousins.
The family ritual is special to her because it helps her understand her big family, their values, and their culture. When she is grown, she will continue the ritual.
The Relationship Between Routines and Rituals
The line begins to blur between routines and rituals when ordinary activities gain special meanings.
A classic example of this overlap is the family dinner, and that’s because it is almost universal.
For several years now, Jorge stops by the store on his way home from work to pick up food for that night’s dinner.
Since he does this nearly every night, and since he doesn’t even think about it anymore, his shopping is considered a mealtime routine. That is not a hard-and-fast rule, however.
Gathering food, meal preparation or the meal itself could be considered a family ritual because it could contain items, conversations, or other actions that are considered special to that family (source).
If both of Sophia’s parents love to grocery shop or cook, and it is their special time to discuss the events of the day or pass on the tradition to their young children, the actions would then be considered a family ritual.
Likewise, if when Jorge and Lauren sit down with their her at the dinner table to discuss the events of the day, to encourage each other, or to engage in a religious tradition, it is also considered a family ritual.
It is also possible for a family ritual, such as dinnertime, to become a routine.
For that to happen, the ritual loses meaning and importance. If Sophia’s family used to look forward to mealtimes, but now they no longer interact with each other, for example, it is no longer special.
It is a non-nurturing routine that no longer helps family members bond.
How Family Gatherings Benefit Children
There are several reasons why family gatherings are so essential to create healthy relationships:
- Family gatherings strengthen family and individual identity
- Family gatherings create stability
- Family gatherings help children with physical and mental health issues
Family Gatherings Strengthen Identity
As children grow, they try to make sense of the world. Most of that understanding comes from experiences with the world around them, and that includes family members.
Family gatherings help children understand who they are and what their role is in the family.
In fact, a child’s self-image can be significantly impacted by those family experiences, so it is important to take gatherings seriously.
Sophia is the youngest child in her family, and she has two older brothers, Jacob and Lucas.
Her brothers already had established roles in the family, so Sophia needed to find hers.
Jorge, her father, made sure Sophia was included in family gatherings, such as dinnertime.
Sophia’s father taught her how to set the table, and that became her routine.
It always gave her a sense of accomplishment, even if she wasn’t always excited about doing it. When it came to the actual dinner, Sophia had a role too.
Lauren would ask each child to say one good thing that happened at school that day, and Sophia always went last.
Going last each time helped Sophia understand her role as the youngest member of the family.
It meant she was supposed to respect older family members.
At the same time, since Sophia also had a chance to tell her story and was not left out, she knew her experiences were valued as much as her siblings.
Giving each child a role to play in family gatherings, whether it’s gathering wood for the campout or tying the bows on presents, gives them a sense of belonging.
It helps them feel valued and motivates them to participate in future family activities.
Family Gatherings Create Stability
There is another benefit to a child’s healthy sense of self, and that has to do with stability.
The world is not always a happy, friendly place, but research has shown that children with regular routines and positive family rituals are more well-adjusted than their peers (source).
Regular bedtimes are an excellent example of a healthy routine. Sophia knows her bedtime is at 9:00, and that time is treated consistently.
When she was little, there was no set time, and she had both a difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep.
Once her parents learned about the importance of routines, Sophia benefited and now sleeps through the night.
Children thrive in a predictable world with predictable boundaries.
It helps them feel safe and secure. Not only that, but all family members benefit psychologically.
Healthy family rituals also help children feel safe. Dinnertime at Sophia’s house also includes time for her and her brothers to discuss anything that is troubling them.
All three siblings know their traditional family dinner is a safe place to discuss their feelings and seek help from their parents.
Just knowing that each day, she has that safe place to discuss her feelings helps Sophia feel loved, secure, and protected.
She feels like her parents listen to her, and that is special.
Family Gatherings Help Children with Mental Health Issues
So far, the discussion has been about ordinary families, but what if one or more children are dealing with health issues?
How do family gatherings impact a child’s health?
It is important to know that routines and rituals offer stability not only in everyday life but also when things are stressful.
Studies have focused on the positive impact family gatherings have on adolescents (source).
With so much at stake, what can parents do? While it is a complex issue, positive routines and rituals can make a significant impact.
In fact, regular, positive family gatherings have been shown to lower incidences of emotional and behavioral problems.
Sophia’s older brother, Jacob, is dealing with other students who are being mean to him at school, and the situation is very stressful. Fortunately, because of family routines and rituals, he knows he is not alone.
When Lauren drops Jacob off at school one day, she can tell he is anxious, and that the familiar routine is not quite right.
Jacob tells her about these students, and she discusses the situation with school officials.
When Lauren picks him up from school that afternoon, she tells him what she did to help, and allows him to speak.
She uses both the morning and afternoon routines to communicate with her son and give him the support he needed.
Later that night, the family dinner ritual continues. All three children tell the family something positive from that day, and then they discuss problems.
Jacob brings up what has happened so far, and all the family members discuss the issue together.
By the end of dinner, Jacob feels better.
He knows his family cares and will be there for him.
Family gatherings may not eliminate the cause of stress, but it will help children learn how to cope with stress.
Family gatherings help family members create positive bonds that lead to a better sense of self-worth.
Studies have also shown that healthy interactions help with even more serious mental health issues such as depression.
Positive family relationships assist with psychological maturity, identity, and self-worth in girls, who are more likely than boys to suffer from depression.
On the other hand, a study conducted in 2002 showed that adolescents with less involvement in family gatherings were more likely to use mental health services.
It is eye-opening to see just how much family routines and rituals affect the mental health of children.
Family Gatherings Help Children with Physical Health Issues
Families are sometimes affected by sudden or chronic health issues as well. Once again, family gatherings can add a sense of normalcy in a difficult situation.
More families are faced with chronic health issues than in years past, and that means more families are faced with the challenges of maintaining a sense of normalcy amid change (source).
Studies show that families who adopt routines and rituals or who create new, positive family gatherings are much more likely to show resilience.
Sophia’s oldest brother, Lucas, has cancer. While their family tries to keep as many family gatherings the same as they were before, that is not always possible.
Sometimes Lucas is too sick to participate in the family dinner, so before dinnertime begins, the family comes to his room and goes through their conversational rituals together before going to the dinner table.
Lucas is very aware of his illness, but this adaptation of a cherished ritual means the world to him.
When he is home from the hospital, his parents do all they can to create a sense of normalcy for everyone, and it helps them all cope with the stress.
Creating new routines and rituals are a part of this new reality, and they can provide a great deal of comfort.
When Lucas has chemotherapy treatments, his parents have created a new ritual. One of them is always there to hold Lucas’s hand for the entire procedure.
They talk about happy memories and tell jokes. Afterward, they let him choose a movie for the family to watch at home, and when he feels well enough, they all watch it together.
Issues that Affect Family Gatherings
Several factors can negatively impact family gatherings. In most cases, it’s really a matter of how those factors are managed.
Studies have shown work schedules and parental changes all have some effect, but those effects were not always the same.
Work schedules have changed a great deal in the past half-century. In 2016, women spent approximately 25 hours a week in paid positions, compared to 9 hours a week in 1965.
On a positive note, mothers an average of 14 hours per week on childcare, compared to 10 hours per week in 1965. Fathers have also increased their role in childcare (source).
That means spending more time at work does not necessarily mean less time with the family.
In addition to both parents working, the number of parents working at more than one job or nontraditional hours is up.
While working is part of adult life, planning is required to have meaningful family gatherings.
Parental changes (separation, divorce, etc.) can have a much more significant effect on the family because the actual family structure is altered.
The adverse effects of separation and divorce are well-documented, but one thing parents may not consider is the impact they have on family gatherings.
Important family rituals, such as holiday traditions, birthdays, and vacations, will face disruption.
The good news is when parents and stepparents work together to maintain and form new routines and rituals, the children adapt more quickly.
Final Thoughts
Family gatherings, whether they are large or small, matter… a lot.
They provide boundaries, identity, and stability for children, which in turn will prepare them for and protect them from the stresses of life.
If they feel safe and loved at home, and if there is excellent communication, children will turn to their parents, rather than friends for advice and wisdom.
As a parent, I couldn’t wish for more.